Some thoughts on supernatural screen hotties.

Because I live in the arsehole of the popular culture universe and cannot afford the local version of Cable, I only very recently watched The Vampire Diaries Season, 2, episodes X-I. Hereafter known as the all-too-brief Hot Werewolf for Grown-ups (aka Mason Lockwood) episodes.

Werewolves are Masculine.

Now I don’t want to incite the rabid loathing of Twi-hards here. Dammit I am a critically empowered feminist and I Loved the Twilight books (ok, maybe not the 4^th book. Childbirth sounds bad enough without giving birth to a monster! And that silly wedding) and the films (Kristen S and Robert P are sulkily sexy). I can even appreciate the appeal of that so-serious topless muscular kid Taylor Lautner, who drips sincerity in a particularly super-enthusiastic way. He even – and here I’m going out on a limb – out-acts the gorgeous but limited Edward.

Rowr.

Here’s the thing. The explicit sex-free TVD, and Twilight are, on the whole, considerably more sexy than True Blood despite its lustiness. The problem with True Blood is that it doesn’t offer a sense of Longing. That’s what sexy is all about in these supernatural shows, and why so many older women watch them (and read the source novels). We don’t Really want to see Sookie being screwed across the floorboards by Eric/Bill (please, preferably Eric). We want to get teased, tormented. We want our fantasy to last as long as possible. Sex is so…final. What can they do next? Ah yes, have babies.

That's odd. Vampires don't have sperm...

That’s the beauty of Twilight; and of TVD: the endless hot stares; the waiting for consummation. But where TVD wins here is the fact that its stars – and I don’t mean poor Paul Wesley (the best actor in the series) who got the rather unsexy ‘good-boy’ brother role – are men, not boys. Taylor Lautner appeals to the 13 year-old girl, or possibly the middle-aged woman who prefers to dream of herself of still as 13-year-old girl. Hey, I’m not criticizing; who the hell wants to live a Real Life: the thankless kids; therapy; the recession; the porky gone-to-seed husband; the unsatisfying career. Even Brad and Ange are deathly dull with their zillion kids and beige clothes and toy shops and family-centric interviews. I miss the days of incest, drugs, blood vials and bisexuality dammit! In fact, I’m surprised Anyone gets off the web these days what with Facebook, porn and entertainment sites. The fact is that the premiere of Season 3 of TVD lost 20% of its teenage audience. I’m not surprised when 33-year old Ian Somerhalder and 30-year old Taylor Kinney were the only sexy on offer in season 2.

We all know that good boys always win in mainstream US television. The only reason the mournful Bella Swan ends up with sad-sack Edward (other than fan apocalypse that is) is that he’s a virginal Good Boy too, in the Stefan Salvatore mould (without the latter’s interesting moments of Ripper madness that is). Edward sucks the blood of animals for Pete’s sake! The guy is the most toothless vampire out there. Poor blood- and sex-mad Damon will probably end up dead. Actually, he may as well be since he’s gone Good too, mooning around after Elena. After all, in the new series of the books we have the chaste Elena and Stefan at College (Don’t these vampires ever date older women? Then they wouldn’t have to keep redoing their education. God, how dull.) People Want blood and sex. I have a picture of the two of them still hanging out in some college town version of the Mystic Grill, cuddling, clothed, in bed; Elena primly feeding a demure Stefan thimblefuls of her blood. Is she really the best he could do?

The sad fact is that for women over 30 – hell, over 20 – there’s precious little to perv over in cinemas or TV shows of late. We have Matthew McConaughey (sleazy), Gerard Butler (dire and sleazy) and George Clooney et al (too old!). Thank God Ian Somerhalder exists (and has found hair-plugs) or we’d be screwed. The industry bosses obviously don’t give a shit about our demographic.

Smirk.

So, bring on the 30-something hotties! I was recently perplexed to hear that the fabulously cute Taylor Kinney is to appear next as a hairdresser in Mann’s World (2011). What a waste! Give the man his own werewolf show! Please, somebody in the industry hear me. Maybe his purported romance with Lady Gaga will make that happen. (Lucky Gaga. Unfortunately she seems the ‘unlucky in lurv’ type. And Uncle Mason has the whole ‘Bad Boy‘ thing going on.)

Update: it seems Someone out there has listened and Gaga has worked her magic. Uncle Mason has made a hot ghostly return to Mystic Falls in season 3! I haven’t got this lucky since they cast Viggo as Aragorn.

Update: see Emma Gray’s Huffington Post article ‘Vampires and Sex’.